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Top Story:
Chinese soccer team slaughtered
Shanghai-- The United States women's soccer team scored
5 penalty kicks against the Chinese women's soccer team, thereby sealing
their fate forever--literally.
China's Prime Minister Xiang Xamin, immediately evoked
the old Chinese law set down by Confucius over 3000 years ago, and
ordered that all the Chinese players be beheaded upon arrival.
Screaming partially of joy and partially out of
fear for her Chinese colleagues, Brandi Chastain lets out an emotional
outpouring after the 5th goal was scored. She knew what would be the
fate of the Chinese team. "We were talking amongst ourselves and were
considering missing the last shot purposefully in order to save their
lives. But then greed set in, and I just had to kick it in," said
Brandi.
Wung Ho Li of the Chinese soccer team knows what will
happen when she returns home. Here she prays that the 3000 year old law
will not be applied, but unfortunately, she, the fans, and the coach all
know what will happen.
President Clinton tried to intervene and asked the INS
to give them amnesty. Unfortunately, his efforts upset Xiang Xamin
threatened to use the newly acquired US nuclear missiles to get his way.
President Clinton said, "I knew we should not have allowed the Chinese
to have this technology. I was under the impression that if we gave the
Chinese the ability to annihilate us, they would return the favor by
improving diplomatic relations. I guess I was wrong."
William Cohen, National Security Advisor, said, "We
have really plucked a sensitive string with the Chinese. If we have to
sacrifice the Chinese soccer team to save American lives I think we
ought to think hard, and then let the Chinese people do what they have
to do. I know it's a tough decision, we have been in agony trying to
decide if this is worth going to war over."
Political analyst, James Coltrane remarked, "It's a sad
day in American politics when we enable another country to pave our
forests, our streets, and our cities with a few pushes of a button. Will
we now succumb to all of China's whims?"
The US Women have essentially slaughtered the Chinese
women--both literally and symbolically-- causing political turmoil.
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