"I wouldn't answer the marijuana question. You know why? 'Cause I don't want some little kid doin' what I tried. You gotta understand, I want to be president, I want to lead, I want to set ... do you want your little kid to say, 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, I think I will'? --George W. Bush, in a secretly taped conversation with Doug Wead, a former Bush family friend

"It was pitiful...I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard someone call him 'Mr. President,' and then I felt ashamed." --Hunter S. Thompson, on Bush's 2004 debate performance

"He knew who I was, at that time, because I had a reputation as a writer. I knew he was part of the Bush dynasty. But he was nothing, he offered nothing, and he promised nothing. He had no humor. He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him. I'd been in another room, talking to the bright people. I had to have him taken away." --Hunter S. Thompson, on meeting George W. Bush at Thompson's Super Bowl party in Houston in 1974

"Some of the districts look literally drawn by a drunk with an etch-a-sketch." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the state's gerrymandered legislative districts

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress

"Hey, hey, ho, ho, Social Security has to go!" -- a chant chanted by Republican activists at a town hall meeting hosted by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.)

"Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the U.S. economy. Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" --White House "correspondent" Jeff Gannon, asking President Bush a question at a news conference. Gannon, a Republican shill known for lobbing softball questions, is also known as James Guckert, a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals and the creator of Web sites titled Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, and Militaryescorts.com.

Shot: "N. Korea Announces It Has Nuclear Weapons" --AP (2/10/05)
Chaser: "N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention" -- The Onion (2/12/03) 
(Courtesy of The Hotline)

"You work three jobs?  … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska

"4 More Years ... Thank You Hollywood!" --a billboard placed by a conservative group on Hollywood Boulevard, one block from where the Academy Awards is set to be held

"Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red. Okay, better? I'll keep working on it." --President Bush, explaining his Social Security plan, Tampa, Florida, Feb. 4, 2005

"I don't have the slightest clue who Hillary is. All I see is a gal who knew she was as good as anyone else, and she saw this guy she could make something of, and went to Arkansas. That's a hell of a move to make for a redneck." --Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), on Hillary Clinton

"Fox News Channel ... placed an ad on the TV Newser Web site, seeking applicants for the position of fact writer. Hey, good for them! They're branching out into something new -- facts!" --MSNBC's Keith Olbermann

Feb. 2 was both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves a groundhog."

"Actually it's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling." --, who commanded troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and is slated to be portrayed by star actor Harrison Ford in an upcoming Hollywood movie

"You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." --Lt. Gen. James Mattis

"I spent the day reflecting on previous W States of the Union. Hey, Mr. Prez, is that Axis of Evil any less evil now? Is North Korea any more cooperative? Is Iran any less belligerent? How is that battle against AIDS in Africa going? Did you find all that yellowcake from Niger? How about all those caches of chemical and biological weapons in Iraq? Are we still leaving children behind? Have we nabbed Bin Laden? Can I start planning my trip to Mars now?" --Columnist Eric Alterman

"When you get a call from Johnny Carson and he's got jokes for you, it's like Christmas morning." --David Letterman,payinf tribute to Jhonny Carson by delivering a "Late Show" monologue composed entirely of jokes the retired "Tonight Show" host had quietly sent him in his final months

"You really don't have to have very many communications skills if you have a couple of hundred people who will jump to their feet when you recite the ABCs." --Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, on Bush's State of the Union Address

"Ted is understandably bitter having lost his ratings, his network and now his mind -- we wish him well." --A Fox spokesperson, after CNN founder Ted Turner criticized the Fox network as a "propaganda voice" of the Bush administration and compared Fox News Channel's popularity to Adolf Hitler's rise to power in Germany before World War II

"If you cannot beat a president ... that plunged our nation into a war that was unconstitutional, what good are you?" --Ralph Nader, who received less than 1 percent of the vote in the 2004 presidential election

"My 20 minutes on 'The Tonight Show' did more for my career than speaking for two days at the Democratic National Convention." --President Bill Clinton

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." --Johnny Carson

"As a comedian he taught me it was okay to be known for doing political humor, but never make the mistake of thinking you're a political commentator. It's okay to satirize the society we live in. just don't start believing you're a social commentator." –-Jay Leno, on Johnny Carson

"Do you think the War on Poverty is over? Why, yes, I think it is, and the poor lost." -Comedian Rich Little, impersonating Ronald Reagan at one of President Bush's inaugural balls, prompting uproarious laughter

"Although a member of the Bush family has been part of the ruling Presidential ticket 5 out of the last 7 contests, both 41 and 43 went out of their way to say they don't appreciate the term 'dynasty.' Yeah, well, you know what? Neither do we." --Comedian Will Durst

"Because he's hiding." --President Bush, after being asked by the Washington Post why Osama bin Laden has not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

"It's important for people to know that I'm the president of everybody." --President Bush, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

"I can remember getting back to the White House, and Laura said, 'Why did you do that for?' I don't know if you'd call it a regret, but it certainly is a lesson that a president must be mindful of, that the words that you sometimes say." --President Bush, reflecting on saying that he wanted Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something." —President Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common -- we both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression. "But, Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera - I'll kill you. "I mean it." --Actor Clint Eastwood, at the National Board of Review awards dinner

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" --Guy Womack, attorney for Charles Graner, accused ringleader in the Iraq prisoner abuse scandal.

"This is your chance to put your considerable money where your considerable mouth is." --Actor George Clooney, in a letter to Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, inviting O'Reilly to take part in a telethon to aid tsunami victims, after O'Reilly questioned whether the pledged money would make its way to victims 

"I think it would have been better if he hadn't gone windsurfing." --Ex-Democratic consultant Bob Shrum, on John Kerry

"I guess I come down more firmly in the Jon Stewart camp." --CNN Chief Executive Jonathan Klein, on his decision tocancel "Crossfire" which Stewart slammed last year during a controversial appearance on the show.

"I had no idea that if you wanted a show canceled, all you had to do was say it out loud." --Jon Stewart, on the cancellation of "Crossfire"

"Get some devastation in the back." --Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to an aide as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka

"I've always felt it's better to be sworn in that to be sworn at" --Sen. Patrick Leahy, after Vice President Dick Cheney swore him in to a new Senate term (last year Cheney told Leahy to "go fuck yourself" during a heated exchange on the Senate floor)

"Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world. We're with you during this election time. It's really important. Get out and vote." --Actor Richard Gere, urging Palestinians to vote in their upcoming election

"I would have told you there was a better chance of Michael Moore and Jenna Bush starring in a sex tape. Together. (Actually, they should make a tape, both for the display of bipartisanship and for the great label their last names would make)" --College Hoops Net's Adam Stanco, on Bucknell beating Pitt.

"I'm not a very smart person. I have to work really hard at remembering things." --White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card

"I don't think it will help anything in Sri Lanka if the balls were, you know, peeled back in terms of the inauguration." --Former President Bush, asked if his son's inauguration would be downsized in the wake of the tsunami

"I think Rumsfeld may be not too long for this world. . . . Let's dump him." --President Richard Nixon, April 7, 1971, talking about his young White House aide whom he said was too critical of the vietnam war.

"'His Hair is No Longer Gray.' ... Good one, huh?" --President Bush to People magazine, on what he hopes the headline will be a year from now

"What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my ass cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, on his controversial interview on "Crossfire"

"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, responding to a U.S. soldier serving in Iraq who asked him why troops had to dig through scrap metal to armor vehicles

"Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, fielding hostile questions from U.S. troops in Iraq  

"I figure there's nowhere to go from here but down. So tonight, I'm announcing my retirement from the United States Senate." --Sen.-elect Barack Obama, speaking to the Gridiron Club

"Obama's shocking secret. He's Strom Thurmond's Love Child." --a mock tabloid headline that Barack Obama held up while speaking to the Gridiron Club

"I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality." --President Bush

"I thought I should look a little sharper for my IRS audit" --Michael Moore on on why he appeared on "The Tonight Show" wearing a suit and tie instead of his usual unkempt look

"I married my authentic self." --Maria Shriver, on wedding an Austrian bodybuilder

"Yes, this library is the symbol of a bridge, a bridge to the 21st century. It's been called one of the great achievements of the new age, and a British magazine said it looked like a glorified house trailer. And I thought, well, that's about me, you know? I'm a little red and a little blue." --Former President Clinton, at the dedication of the Clinton Presidential Library

"It came down to a few battleground states. It was a tough contest, and it turned out some 527 organizations got involved --  including Barnyard Animals for Truth. There was a scurrilous film that came out, 'Fahrenheit 375 Degrees at 10 Minutes Per Pound.' Now, it's a time for healing." --President Bush, on the race to see which Thanksgiving turkey would be granted a presidential pardon

"The only politician in America I know with a mandate is Jim McGreevey." --Democratic strategist James Carville

"I'm not a highbrow hussy from New York. I'm a highbrow hussy from Washington. Senator, pistols or swords?" --New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, responding to Sen. Zel Miller, who called her a "high brow hussy from New York City" with "horns" sprouting up through her "Technicolor hair"

"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." --Attorney General John Ashcroft, upon resigning

"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex." --CBS Anchor Dan Rather, on election night

"This is the best election night in history." --Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe, Nov. 2, 2004, just before 8 p.m. EST

"He said with a sigh to one top staffer, 'I can't believe I'm losing to this idiot.'" --Newsweek's Evan Thomas, on Kerry's reaction to Bush's surge in April

"Why would I listen to losers?" --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on working with state Democrats to close the budget deficit

"They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?" --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

"Yeah, we rocked the vote all right. Those little bastards betrayed us again." --Hunter S. Thompson, on the youth vote

"We really thought we'd win this election. The amazing thing is, when people say the country is moving in the wrong direction, they think the Iraq war is a mess, the economy isn't good, and we still lose." --Sen. Charles Schumer
"It really seems like none of it trumped the idea of dudes kissing." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, endorsing Sen. John  Kerry, sort of

"When people say flush the Johns, they don't mean these two... I'm sorry, it's the last day of the campaign, what do you expect?" --Vice President Dick Cheney, introducing Senators John McCain and John Ensign to a crowd in Las Vegas

"The Packers have done their part, this Tuesday I'll do mine." --Sen. John Kerry, after the Green Bay Packers defeated the Washington Redskins in a game that carried historic significane. In every election since 1936, when the Redskins lose their final home game before the election, the incumbent president's party loses White House.

"You don't have a chance to be president. You'll become president when the Red Sox win the World Series." --a heckler to John Kerry, a year ago

"We didn't start out with negative ads calling George Bush a cokehead. I'll do it now."  --Chris Heinz, John Kerry's stepson. Asked about his remark later, Heinz said, "I have no evidence. He never sold me anything."

"If Bush loses, do you think he'll leave? Or do you think he'll just say, 'I don't read the papers'?" --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

"Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for -- but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush-Cheney gang ... I would happily vote for him." -–Hunter S. Thompson.

"A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief." --President Bush

"Kerry said about Tora Bora, 'I think we've been smart. I think administration leadership has done well, and we are on the right track.' End quote. All I can say is that I am George W. Bush, and I approve of that message." --President Bush

"I asked President Clinton if there's anything you have in common with George W. Bush? He thought for a moment and he said, 'In eight days and 12 hours, we will both be former presidents.'" --Sen. John Kerry

"If Barbara gets her hands on John Kerry, he might get another Purple Heart." --Former President Bush, on the political attacks on his son

"You get the feeling that if George Bush had been President during other periods in American history, he would have sided with the candle lobby against electricity, the buggy-makers against cars, and typewriter companies against computers." --Sen. John Kerry

"I'm also proud to be working with your United States Senator, Charles Grassley. I saw him the other day in Cedar Rapids. I took him aside and I said, 'Listen, the South Lawn at the White House has got a lot of grass.'" --President Bush

"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --President Bush discussing the Iraq war with Chirstian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, when Robertson told him he should prepare American people for casualities 

"They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'" --Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

"You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show." --Jon Stewart, bitchslapping Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's "Crossfire"

"What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably." --Jon Stewart, to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

"Is he hot? Yeah. Is he hung? Yeah. Is he [she waved her hand to suggest bisexual]? Not unless you can give a better [she mimicked eating a banana] than me." --Court TV's Kimberly Newsom, at a gay rights fundraiser, on her husband, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom

''I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army.'' --President Bush, during an Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times

"I guess the president and you and I are three examples of lucky people who married up. And some would say maybe me more so than others." --Sen. John Kerry, during the third presidential debate

"To listen to them, to stand up straight and not scowl." --President Bush, after being asked in the third debate what he learned from the women in his life

"Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country." --Sen. John Kerry, during the third presidential debate

"I'm going to be real positive, while I keep my foot on John Kerry's throat." --President Bush, on his debate strategy

"I think it was his battery. I think tomorrow, before the debate, John Kerry ought to pat him down." --Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him about Bush's Mystery bulge during the first presidential debate, which some speculated might have been a radio transmitter to feed him answers through an earpiece

"I also run and I played a little football back when I was in school. I think he was there too, maybe on the sidelines with his pom poms. I'm not sure, how fast can you run in a cheerleader outfit?" --Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him if he could beat President Bus in a 5K race

"The president is an alien. You heard it here first. The president is an alien. That's your quote of the day. He has been getting information from Mars. The shock of the debate will be the president's alien past will be exposed, which is why that box is there." --Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first debate

"Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances." --Sen. John Kerry

"I heard there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --President George W. Bush, during the second presidential debate  

"I own a timber company? That's news to me. Need some wood?" --President Bush, during the second presidential debate, failing to realize that he qualified as a small business owner on his 2001 federal tax return because of his part ownership of timber company

"You hear all that and you can understand why somebody wouldmake a face." --President Bush, blaming his debate expressions on what he called Sen. Kerry's contradictory views on Iraq

"They are willing to say left is right and up is down. The vice president and the president need to recognize that the Earth is actually round and that the sun is rising in the east." --Sen. John Edwards

"Can't you see it now? Cheney saying, 'You need me on that wall! You need me on that wall!' And me saying, 'You can't handle the truth!'" --Sen. John Edwards, after "Regis & Kelly" host Kelly Ripa suggested Tom Cruise could play Edwards in a movie of the 2004 campaign

"It's ironic that Republicans have no problem with allowing assault weapons out on our streets, yet they don't want to put clean underwear in the hands of our slacker youth." --Michael Moore, after Republicans asked authorities to prosecute Moore for handing out free underwear to encourage young people to vote

"So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your pussy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business..." --Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, as quoted in a sexual harrassment suit filed against him by a Fox News producer

"Come on, you know I was stoned when I said that." — Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly on Comedy Central's "Daily Show," referring to his previous comment that the show's viewers were a bunch of "stoned slackers"

"Oh yeah." --Vice President Dick Cheney, after being reminded that he and Sen. John Edwards had met three times previously despite claiming they had never met prior to the debate

"America saw two very different visions of our country, and two different hairdos." --President Bush, on the vice presidential debate

''If I could only go through the ducts and leap out onstage in a cape -- that's my dream." --Ralph Nader, on crashing the presidential debates

"I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." --Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia,speaking at Harvard

"He was overwhelmed with a feeling of tenderness, and was also aroused sexually, which his tight trousers made obvious to both of them." --from Jimmy Carter's novel, "The Hornet's Nest"

"You have a bunch of crapheads in Oklahoma City." --Rep. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), running for Senate in Oklahoma

"Lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that's happened to us?" --Rep. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.)

"You forgot Poland" --President Bush to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition

"Let me finish!" --President Bush, during the first presidential debate, after nobody interrupted him, leading to speculation that he might have been hearing voices

"You begin to get a sense of what (having your father be president) means to your families. And it's tough. And so I acknowledge that his daughters -- I've watched them. I've chuckled a few times at some of their comments." --Sen. John Kerry, during the first presidential debate
"I'm trying to put a leash on them." --President bush
"Well, I know. I've learned not to do that." --Kerry

"The expectations were so low that all I had to do was say hi, I'm George W. Bush."  —President Bush, on his performance in the 2000 debates with Al Gore

"Comparing these grandiose promises to his failed record, it's enough to make anyone want to, well, sigh." --Former Vice President Al Gore, writing in the New York Times about the promises Bush made during the 2000 presidential debates

"It's been a little tough to prepare for the debates, because he keeps changing his positions, especially on the war. I think he could spend 90 minutes debating himself." --President Bush, on Sen. John Kerry

'When your horse is headed down toward the waterfalls or your horse is drowning, it's a good time to change horses in midstream. May I also suggest we need a taller horse? You can get through deeper waters that way." --Sen. John Kerry

"I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." --President George W. Bush, making a bizarre case for his re-election

"Hitler does better among Jewish voters than Zell Miller does among Democrats." --Pollster Frank Luntz

"When they make campaign stops … boys will have their Bush-Cheney sign held up with their own phone number written at the bottom." —Laura Bush, speaking to Jay Leno about twin daughters Jenna and Barbara

"I wanted to have John Edwards stand. Dick Cheney wanted to sit. We compromised and now George Bush is gonna sit on Dick Cheney's lap.'' --Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the vice presidential debate, during an appearance on the "Late Show with David Letterman"
 

"How do you, how does anybody go about restoring America's reputation in the world? That seems unlikely. Explain that to me." --David Letterman
"Has he messed things up that badly?" --Sen. John Kerry

"The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he could call somebody." --Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the presidential debates, during an appearance on "Live With Regis and Kelly."

"I'm just looking to get together with any white guy who's got a great body on him, a good size endowment that's cut, just get together, get naked, play with one another, get each other off. Nothing hardcore. I have to be incredibly careful, incredibly safe, incredibly discreet. I can't overemphasize that." --Rep. Edward Schrock (R-Va.), who dropped his bid for re-election after a gay activist posted Audio files on his website of Schrock leaving recordings on a gay sex personals phone line

"Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids." --Teresa Heinz Kerry, advising hurricane relief workers to send food and water before clothes

"That's a source that didn't even exist 10 years ago. 400,000 people make some money trading on eBay." --Vice President Dick Cheney, arguing that the economy is doing better than reported due to eBay 

"If we only included bake sales and how much money kids make at lemonade stands, this economy would really be cooking." --Sen. John Edwards, mocking Cheney

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --President George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." -–Vice President Dick Cheney

"We have to hold Ohio. Okay, we have an idiot, stupid, corrupt, dumb, rotten, Republican governor in the state, who has been busy looting the state and raising taxes... and his state is the only state in the nation that's lost jobs and isn't recovering because he's been beating the economy to death in the state. But he is not on the ballot. George Bush is on the ballot... It's not helpful. He should be taken out and horsewhipped." --Republican strategist Grover Norquist, on Ohio Gov. Bob Taft

"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" -- California Gov. Arnol Schwarzenegger, at the Republican convention

"I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." -- Sen. Zel Miller to Chris Matthews, during a contentious interview on "Hardball"

"This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces? U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?" --Sen. Zell Miller, attacking Sen. John Kerry in his GOP convention speech

"I think that maybe John Kerry must have shot his dog." --John McCain, on Zell Miller's attack on Kerry

"Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks 'Sex and the City' is something married people do, but never talk about." -- Jenna Bush at the Republican convention

"Since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years. Kind of like dad." --Barbara Bush, at the Republican convention

"Whoever approved this, I'm going to put on a slow boat to China." --Karl Rove, on the Bush's Twin's convention speech, which was reportedly written by Karen Hughes

"People tell me I'm a lot like her and my Dad. Shy. Quiet. Afraid to speak my mind. In our family, I'm known as Barbara's revenge on George." --Jenna Bush

"Sen. Kerry says he sees two Americas. It makes the whole thing mutual -- America sees two John Kerrys.'' --Vice President Dick Cheney

"Four score and seven years ago. We have come here to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place. ... My fellow members of the press corps, especially the camera man, tax relief is on the way ... don't spend it all in one place" --President Bush, testing the mic at the GOP convention."

"I can't believe they're dumb enough to bring up the film and help its box office." -- Michael Moore, after Sen. John McCain slammed him as a "disingenuous filmmaker" during his Republican convention speech, prompting the audience to boo Moore

"Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --President Bush, after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable

"Ah, we did? I don't think so." --President Bush, when asked why his administration had changed its position on global warming, following the submission of a new report to Congress indicating that emissions of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases are the only likely explanation for global warming

"People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?'" –Vice President Dick Cheney

"You'd be amazed at the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men's room. It's the most bizarre part of this entire thing." --Sen. John Kerry, during an appearance on " The daily show withJon Stewart"

"I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified." --Bush's nominee for CIA director, Rep. Porter Goss (R-FL), in a March 3, 2004 interview that was cut from " Fahreheit 9/11"

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --President George W. Bush

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --President George W. Bush

"I've been organizing Republicans for Bush/Cheney. I've been organizing Austrian-born bodybuilders for Bush/Cheney. I've even been organizing girlie-men for Bush/Cheney." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

"The most profound purpose of polls is to see how people are responding to God." --George Gallup Jr. of the Gallup Poll

"We actually misnamed the War on Terror. It ought to be the Struggle Against Ideological Extremists Who Do Not Believe in Free Societies Who Happen to Use Terror as a Weapon To Try To Shape The Conscience Of The Free World." --President George W. Bush

"I just want to assure you that both President Bush and I have very firm alibis." --Sen. John Kerry, after three Davenport banks were robbed while Kerry and Bush were campaigning in the city at the same time

"I didn't think to tell them, 'Don't stick your tongue out at the press.'" --First Lady Laura Bush, on giving advice to her daughters

"The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." –-President Bush, explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy

"Go ahead, yell it out. If I don't like the question, I'll reinvent it." --President Bush, hosting an "Ask President Bush" forum in which all the questions were planted in advance

"You bet we might have." --Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

"A place that would be pretty much like the place that I would have grown up in, I think, if I had have grown up here." --Alan Keyes, on the Chicago neighborhood he chose to rent in after moving to the state to run for the U.S. Senate

"Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons." --Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston

"It is true that Mr. Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, after which there was a commitment to give 40 acres and a mule. That's where the argument, to this day, of reparations starts. We never got the 40 acres... We went all the way to Herbert Hoover, and we never got the 40 acres. We didn't get the mule. So we decided we'd ride this donkey as far as it would take us." --Al Sharpton, speaking at the Democratic Convention

"I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for re-election. But you know the old saying: you win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category. I didn't come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don't want you to think I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote." --Al Gore, at the Democratic Convention

"You said something I didn't say. Now shove it!" --Teresa Heinz Kerry, telling off a reporter

"You wouldn't want to have a beer with John, because John is not a beer drinker. He doesn't drink much period, he's boring that way." --Teresa Heinz Kerry, asked whether her husband is the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with

"I want to be the peace president." --President George W. Bush

"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." --Arnold Schwarzenegger, describing Democratic lawmakers in California

"Give me a chance to be your president and America will be safer and stronger and better." --Still-President George W. Bush, Marquette, Michigan, July 13, 2004

"Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" --Sen. Rick Santorum

"We've got better vision. We've got better ideas. We've got real plans. We've got a better sense of what's happening to America, and we've got better hair." --Sen. John Kerry, campaigning with his running mate. Sen. John Edwards

"Go f--k yourself." --Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton