Jimmy was so active in our school, involved in many activities & one of the top students in our class. His personality is really rather too friendly to girls but I can't say that he's really the kind of guy that all girls would fall-in. But then I felt so jealous of no one, that I didn't understand, I just stayed away from him despite of his efforts to talk to me, I didn't allowed him any chance. We stayed far from each other since then, not even friends, until we finished high school, we never had a formal break-up.

The rebel in me get out when I didn't get what I was expecting from Jimmy. I got involved with another guy I thought I'm in-love with, but it was too late to realized everything. I got pregnant with this guy & married him in the middle of our 4th year high school. That was in the day of my marriage that my heart was looking for Jimmy or probably wanting him to just be there to wish me good luck for my wedding. I didn't know that tears fell from my eyes, only when I felt something salty from my lips, but I know that in my heart there's something wanting to scream. He told me that when he knew about my situation, he wanted to talk to me, but he didn't have a chance. He wanted to have me but he can't. He felt so sad when I didn't attend in our graduation, after that we never have any communication.

After 14 years, my marriage broke down despite of my efforts to hold on to it because of my 2 girls, then 10 & 5 yrs. old. I wasn't surprised at all why each time I have a bad mood with my husband, Jimmy just pop into my mind, but I just ignored it, but more I thought about him after my marriage break down. With my Mother's help I went to Switzerland and work as a domestic helper. Then went home again after 11/2 years. That's when I heard the news from my classmate-friends that Jimmy's marriage also breakdown while he was already working at Saudi Arabia, but I didn't pose any questions, I just listen (which now I regret), I should have asked.

It was April 2000 when I got my first Computer, and as I have no Boss in my work, I stayed surfing in the computer and this blinking ad at the right corner of my computer screen made me curious as it says, "Find your long lost friends/classmates", it was from Alumni.net. I really didn't give too much attention to it but I unintentionally click it with my cursor, & there goes the clicking until I get into the list of schools in the City where we came from. I click on the name of our school & it gave me the list of last years from school, so I click on 1973 and when the members list appears in front of my eyes, the first name my eyes laid on was Jimmy's name.

I felt like I was struck by something hard in my chest on how my heart beat, I just stared on it, can't count the minutes as if I can't believe I was staring on it, then I just run my cursor over his name as if my hands touching it, that's when I felt in my heart how I missed him and want to touch him, even until now each time I remember that moment still makes tears fell from my eyes, then while hovering my cursor over his name a pop-out message appear saying "send me a message". I quickly compose a short message, but I didn't signed my name on it, just "Classmate". I have waited for the reply each day was like eternity. A week passed by, still no reply. So I sent another message and register my name at Alumni.net.

He told me that he got it while he was in the Philippines but he just ignored it. He got my second message when he was already in Saudi back to work & smiled about my email address. He said he was about to ignore & delete it when his curiosity gets into him & he opened it. He said his heart beats so quickly when he read that short message & he can't guess who it was, so he checked on Alumni.net & saw the only additional name newly registered in there. So he replied assuming it was me. When I got his reply, I don't know how to describe the feeling, just like what he was said to me, "your sudden presence in my life is overwhelming. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to enjoy the sudden beauty of a rainbow."

In his second email he gave me his Office phone number & the time difference between Jeddah & Geneva. When I already have time to call, no one answered the phone & as I realized that it was already after office hours. So I called again the next day, he was off for lunch and the guy who answered told me that he'll be back by 1pm. I've waited for 2 hrs, which I think was too long, and when I rang & he said "Hello", I didn't said a word, I felt numb & dumbfounded, can't speak, so he said again hello for the 2nd time, then I found my tongue. Can't believe I still did recognized his voice after 30 years we haven't talk to each other. We talk & laugh for almost 2 hrs. & as if I wasn't contented at all, I called him again just before he's off from the Office. Since then we exchanged emails everyday, not just 1 or 2 but more than that. Then I told him that I have AOL Instant Messenger in my PC so if he wants to chat, he has to download that too. The next day, he surprised me when he suddenly "pop-in" at my computer screen & that's the start of our chatting 'till often wee hours in the morning.

It made me disappointed when while we're chatting, he told me that after he had separated from his first wife, after a few years, he fathered a child to another woman he met in Saudi Arabia and married her in USA when their son was already 6 yrs. old, now aged 12 years old, while from his first (unregistered) marriage, he have 4 (2 girls & the youngest is twin boys). I felt like I want to go away again from him, but my heart doesn't want to. I spent nights crying. I tried to stop the communication but he didn't stop ringing my phones, even his Officemates calling me, telling me that he's acting like crazy in the Office as if he's not the Jimmy they knew before. It went on like that, trying many times but no use. And then we agreed to meet in person & of all places, it was in Paris as I have promised, "wherever you will be, I'll pick you up".

That's July 13 when I drove to Paris as early as 1 o'clock in the morning. I never imagined myself driving alone in the darkest Autoroute of France going to Paris. I felt like I want to fly. Maybe if I'm driving a Porche or a Ferrari, I might be speeding at 250 rather than 180km/h. I made a stop in one Gas station then, pulled my car in lighted side of the station and get a short nap, then after an hour, that was I think 5am already, I started to go on the road again. I reached & started to enter Paris by 7am. He arrived at the CDG Airport at 6:30am & he was already out the immigration by 7:30am, that's when he started to call me in my CP, brought 2 CP's with me. I've heard that Paris is terrible when it comes to traffic, but It haven't intimidated me at all. I have to cross the whole city of Paris to get to CDG Airport & that was my first time to be in there. Now, I think I couldn't do it again.

On my way to the Airport he had called me I think 4x in my CP, he said he was feeling edgy already, that I might have backed-out and go back to Geneva alone. I fixed myself in one Gas station just before entering the Airport. As it was also my first time in that huge Airport, I didn't know where to go and to find a parking, and it made me go around 2x and just in time he called and told me which gate he will be that way I don't need to look for a parking anymore. My little French helped me a lot in asking which way going to the arrival section. Finally I found the ramp to the arrival, with my heart beating fast, I saw him at the far end of Gate 21 and luckily, there's not much people and cars already, so he quickly recognized my car & wave to me.

I can't stop myself from smiling, even though how much I tried to be calm, I was trembling inside me. When I stopped near him, he scrambled on the front seat giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, then I continue driving while I can see in the corner of my eyes, him looking at me as if he can't believe it was me, and he was touching me on the shoulder, my hair, he said he wanted.

Now, going back, I don't know my way already, so we kept on going around, just trying to find the right road going to the place just near the "Exit" of Paris. He told me, if I wanted him to drive so I can read the map as it is in French, and I hailed the car on the first street parking I find and we changed places. He told me, he wanted to kiss me when he opened the door for me before going to the driver's seat. So we continue driving and finally we found the place, a Shopping Center near the exit with the underground parking, so we went inside and find the place to park the car. While we're fixing things and thinking what to take with us in going around, he gave me something, like a perfume & I kiss him on the check to say Thank you, but accidentally my lips brush-off his lips when I turned and there, we haven't stop ourselves.

Our "First Kiss" & of all places in Paris. A kiss we will never forget, that we couldn't stop if we haven't gotten out-of-breath. We stopped kissing with tears in our eyes, he told me, "the sweetest kiss ever in his life". We went to go up the Mall and inside the elevator, I laid my head on his chest & let him hug me which I know he liked so much. And when we walked he hold my hands so tight, I told him, "as if you're afraid I would run away from you." He told me, he didn't realized his doing that. We just had a short walk by the Eiffel Tower, buy some souvenirs, take pictures and went back to the Mall again as it was also raining.

We left Paris at 5pm and it was a bit raining. He was the one driving while I get some sleep, and he said, he was looking at me and wanted to touch me on my knees which was uncovered. The rain gets heavy when we're nearing Geneva. We reached home by 11pm. I know he was tired from driving, I had my sandwich and he had his while he's doing something at the computer and me having my shower. When I'm done I came to see him and he tried to make-love to me but I said NO as he's not done with the computer yet, so he tried to do it as fast as he could, take a shower, and find me already in bed. We made love with all the passion I have never felt before, and the gentleness, I never felt with anybody else. Both of us we're amazed about the intensity of passion that flows in our body. We stop only to talk and start again, each time getting more passionate than the other. We felt like it was the last day we can be together, surely as he will be going away in just a few hours, he'll be in the plane going back to Saudi. We slept 5am and he should be at the Airport of Geneva by 12:00noon. I took him there, with a heavy heart, with questions whether we'll still see each other again or not. No one dared to ask, it's just the touch, the look in his eyes, a quick kiss to say goodbye.

I went back home with the tears in my eyes. Tried to find something to keep me occupied. Night came, the phone rings, I never thought I would hear his voice, I cried, he can't speak, I know he's crying too. He told me, "I can't get you off my mind since I last saw you, I already missed you." We both cried on the phone as I told him that it shouldn't be, as I know I can't have him and he can't have me, because of his family. Can one feel the agony, we both feel? Still, we're here, holding on to each other. He said, "if I could shout to the world how much I love you, I would." God knows how much he wanted to be with me always, but he can't give-up on his responsibility.

Two years passed between us with this kind of situation. I never thought I could hold on this long. My mind keeps on telling me to let go but my heart says NO. One day, I breakdown and survived without answering his calls, but the second day feels like I'm crazy, waiting for the phone to ring, or telling myself to call him. Another day, I sent him an angry email, doing something so to make him feel angry with me & stop what he feels for me, well, he really got so angry that he said "thank you for ruining my life." I breakdown, cried so hard, pick up the phone, and we ended up crying to each other again, begging for my understanding about his situation. Is there anything I can do, except cry?

His brother told me, "don't let self-pity runs over you, cause the truth is they should envy you." That's the one that gives me strength to hold on. Jimmy told me, I'm the only one who understands him on all his problems, I always have an ear for anything he wants to talk to, on all the problems he has, about his family, financially & someone he can confide & asked for advice, someone who appreciates his achievements from the organizations he's involve with, which the other families never gives any attention. Probably because since I first loved him, I knew already that, being involve in such is already his life. I do encourage and give him moral support in almost all his endeavors, while the others even discourage him in getting involve, or don't even care just to say "goodluck."

Days passby between us talking on the phone, emails, text on cellphones and if we could, always a chat in our computer. I know he loves me much but my mind doesn't stop. Somedays I felt like I'm going to get crazy, especially when he's got his family in Saudi, I want to believe what I have in my mind but the love I have for him, I just can't easily deny.

I said to myself, "what's this mess I get myself into?" My children we're telling me, "Mom, where you're happy, we are there with you." So, how can I let him go, and they respect him. When we start talking about the future, he will tell me, "let us live by day-to-day basis, let the time tells what future for us installed." Then I'll say, "We're not getting any younger, I want to have the rest of my life with you." Then he will answer to me, "Don't worry, even though we've already reach 70, will you still marry me?" That question, I can't consider a proposal, but it always breaks the seriousness in our conversation as it makes me laugh, and he loves that when I give a chuckle and he holds me in his arms.

The longest we haven't seen each other was 9 months so far. In September 18, 2001, we spent my birthday in Paris. That time, I didn't drive anymore, I took the fastest train, the TGV. This time we had explored more places in Paris and more pictures taken. And he went with me to Geneva the next day, the 19th, he loves it being with me inside the train. We played scrabble on our way. Then he went back to Saudi on the 21st, that was Friday.

Next to that we went home (not together) for Christmas 2001, which he spent with his 2nd family, then he come to stay with me on the 26th, then we visit his parents before dark, the 27th we visit again his parents before dark, this time with Christmas gifts I tried to pack for each one, signing each card from him & me, Everyone was so happy, I can see it in their eyes and I know he was happy too, then on our way home we stopped by the house where his first family lives. I know that the children expects him to be sleeping there with them. Everything went okay, I have no squabbles with his first wife, I know the situation between them, it's only the second wife, as I know he has no reasons to leave her & he doesn't want to hurt her.

Each time this comes into my mind, I felt like I'd breakdown again & I'd like to tell him I don't want to go on anymore, but I can't. And I said to myself, what if I leave him to find another man, I don't think I could love this person truly if my heart belongs to Jimmy. Then also another question, will I stay "Forever" waiting? What, if "Forever" won't happen? I always tell him, "I would fell better to be alone than having you and sharing you with somebody else." But whatever comes into my mind, our love for each other is so strong but I don't know how long I can hold on, as I know his responsibility for his 2nd family is more stronger than what we have, as he said, "just wait until the boy is old enough to understand," and I don't know when that "old enough" will come. When all this comes to my mind. I just said to myself "be strong", there will come a time. If the LORD gives you his blessings, you will know when, cause something is gonna happen. I just kept on praying for the LORD to give me more understanding, for myself and for him, and to give me more love not only for him but also to others who knows how to care and who knows what the word "LOVE" means.

"Lany"