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Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that
got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General
Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had
developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with
the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would
crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on
the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the
freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive
on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such
as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the
car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to
buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered
by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to
drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and
alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car
fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have
the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you
sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever,
your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also
purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per
cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model,
car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut
off the engine.
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Forbidden love
They were alone in the house. It was a cold,
dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the
thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his
strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort
her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out. She screamed. He
raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to
pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing
passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be
together.
They knew it was wrong... their families
would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they
didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the
power was back on, and.............
CAUGHT..........
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Quick Tips
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being
abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The
following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place,
having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
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IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth
Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field,
wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE
SHIT!" and walk out.
The second night would involve the same
thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and
walk out.
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CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking
people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers
what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the
phone.
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JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving
judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
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CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair
Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves.
Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
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AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in
the Black Box for the whole plane.
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POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too
many dead bodies for our liking.
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RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the
waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
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PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged
by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then
turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
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BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds.
Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your
wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller
skates.
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HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December
26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or
offensive.
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TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented
a 'SHRINKING' device.
Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab
coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your
house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a
small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.
Just watch their faces in the morning!
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Go on, tell them
This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition
where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring
their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want
to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the
last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8
o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for
Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where
did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at
stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen
table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much
laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your
wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again)
We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to
ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give
the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last
time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say
that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've
already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning
before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next
question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15
minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ...
Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum
could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the
line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so
it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the
arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended
before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen.
We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music
break.
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Two sides of the story
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to
the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but
he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow
going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we
could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he
was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to
wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said
no.
But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved
him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell
that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place
and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really
distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried
myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he
thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story:
Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.
Little Nancy
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a
hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,
Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without
looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an
awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth
then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
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