Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

Excuses, excuses

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

Symbols

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences, to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.

"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

Einstein's chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

George W. Bush Quotes

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.

"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood. 
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male: Playing football without a helmet. 

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." 
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. 

FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. 
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 

MAKING LOVE
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Whatever became of...

...Donald?

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'

...Mickey?

Open This Picture In A New Browser Window
Then right-click and select 'Save image as...'