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Anniversary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess   after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

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Press clippings

From The Gloucester Citizen
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.

"Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
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From The Guardian
"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards'.

"The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
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"Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
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From the Churchdown Parish Magazine
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick', is for monetary donations only."
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From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
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From The Times:
"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guardspokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"
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From The Scottish Big Issue:
"In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of notbeing a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.

"'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be.' where upon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer -attempted to pull them apart.

"Several more Henrys -Smith,Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.

"The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
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From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
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From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.

"This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
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From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
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An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.

The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

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The Urinal Challenge

You mission is to identify correctly, based on proper urinal etiquette, the stall at which you should stand. Good luck!

1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.

ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.



2. Urinal 1 is occupied.

ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

3. No urinals are occupied.

ANSWER: The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

 

4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.

ANSWER: The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.

5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.

ANSWER: The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!

6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.

ANSWER: The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!

ADDITIONAL RULES:

NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.

I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.

NO Singing. Period.

Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."

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Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!

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Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."  At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."