|
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off." |
|
" A
blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog
up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop
assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the
blind bloke. 'Just looking.'" |
|
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in." |
|
"He
said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for
the books." |
|
"And
the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'" |
|
"So
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'" |
|
"You
know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking
Fine.'" |
|
"So
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'" |
|
"So
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'" |
"So
I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And
I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'" |
